im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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