i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
