Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize