two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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