well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
