his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
