I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
