worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize