she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
