You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
