i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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