he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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