please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
