I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
