Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
