Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
