my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
