I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
