I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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