it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
