Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
