"it" just moved
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
