We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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