So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the day after is always just damage control
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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