I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
