the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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