I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
