So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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