Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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