Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
