I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
