Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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