If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
