Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
