2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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