well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
