These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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