if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
