Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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