He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
