I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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