Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
