cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
