Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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