i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
