i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
