I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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