yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize