im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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