I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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