we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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