when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize