I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
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