guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
