Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
