They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
