last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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