I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
