My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
